Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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