My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
