So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
