drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
