A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
