i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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