It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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