I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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