the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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