dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
