finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
