Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
