I cockslap morals
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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