I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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