I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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