How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
