I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
