I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize