I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
