maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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