I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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