Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
