Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My bed smells like the plague
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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