I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
