Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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