I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sext me about skeletons
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
