Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
