My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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