I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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