a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
