a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
