if you like me you must not know who I am
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
