Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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