I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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