An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize