I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
