My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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