arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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