Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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