Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
