I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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