I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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