i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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