So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
