Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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