I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
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I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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