gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
