listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
