So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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