Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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