A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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