Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
