He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
