Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
