that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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