so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
