Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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