u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
