Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
