I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
