i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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